Why do I keep coming back to this game? It’s like I don’t know how to follow the way of the sane: quit doing the same damn thing over and over and try doing something different for a change.
The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim is a game I keep coming back to for whatever reason. I’d like to think this is because it has an open world for me to explore that doesn’t hinder me in any way and because I can mess around in various dungeons repeatedly. I know a lot of people don’t like it, but respawning enemies makes the world feel a bit more alive to me. Of course, the spawns have to be realistically proportioned in such a way that the game doesn’t feel contrived.
My return to this game turned out to be a bad idea; first of all, I downloaded a bunch of mods to help freshen up the experience a bit, but, as is quite plainly obvious, the game got anything but adequately fresh. In fact, I had to go through the character creation charade three whole times due to two mods pissing me off to such an extent that I went through the effort. I suppose this is where I begin splitting the post into parts? Fuck me if even these past five years have taught me how to write structurally sound blog posts.
Attempt #1: Insufferable intelligence
This is not the first time I’ve had this issue. Well, I suppose I ought to explain my issue to clarify things up a bit first, what? It’s a minor issue, but an annoying issue nonetheless: the mod Immersive Citizens – AI Overhaul SE is a load of skeevershit. The mod supposedly makes NPCs in cities and villages more immersive in the sense that they do more interesting things, which it does, but not very well.
I have now been playing without this mod for a few hours across a handful of days, and I can honestly say very little has changed. I honestly could not give less of a shit whether the NPCs in this game act “immersive”; this game’s engine is clearly incapable of any kind of intellectual immersion as far as NPCs go, so why force it? Additionally, I have quite astutely narrowed one issue down to this mod: it fucks with enemy aggression.
Why does this mod even touch enemy aggression? Here’s the thing: when enemies aggro me in this game while the mod is active, it takes a trillion years for them to deaggro, i.e. “lose sight of me”. This is an incredibly annoying side-effect of this mod, mainly due to the obnoxious combat music this game has. I don’t know how they managed to do this, but the game has combat tracks that are barely noticeable during combat yet infuriatingly irritating whenever combat should not be taking place. It astonishes me how I can grow to hate a piece of music so much.
So, anyway, I turn the mod off and start another character because, well, the mod changes so many things in the game, it’s basically fucking mandatory that I create a new character after the uninstall process. But wait! There are more issues!
Attempt #2: Temporal tarnation
Sometimes, I wish I could experience the entirety of Skyrim anew by somehow forgetting everything about the game. I’d crack my skull against the pavement if it didn’t come with so many other bad symptoms, but, alas, ’twas not meant to be. No, instead, I get to experience the what-the-fuckery that is Ultimate Deadly Encounters, a.k.a. Sands of Time, a.k.a. that one mod with a sexy banana (?), a.k.a. my last-ditch effort at a personal Skyrim renaissance.
Honestly, can anybody please tell me what the hell is up with this mod? It makes no goddamn sense! Firstly, what is up with the mod’s description and website? I get the comedic relief, but I’m trying to install the mod properly, for fuck’s sake, not read a modder’s version of the Googology Wiki. Seriously, fuck that festering cesspool of pretentious pseudo-intellectuals.
This mod’s strange informational layout and obviously quite disturbed authors notwithstanding, I found the extremely script-heavy mod’s effects on the game to be quite… uninteresting. First of all, why did the mod immediately start spamming enemies the moment I exited Riverwood for Bleak Falls Barrow? First, some wolves spawned, then some relatively ridiculously powerful skeletons spawned, and, finally, in Bleak Falls Barrow proper, some bandit highwaymen shortly juxtaposed with nonsense floating ghostly axes and a mysterious stranger clad in a warrior’s armor and—whom the fuck does this pander to? What is this shit? I didn’t ask for this! Why did all this trash spawn? What the hell is this mod doing to my game? Why does my health keep replenishing all the fucking time? Why are the axes attacking the guy? What is even going on? How did this guy even get here in the first place? I asked for more immersion, not whatever the hell this is!
Finally, as the final nail in the mod’s own coffin, I speak to this guy and am like: “hey, thanks for saving me and stuff or whatever,” and he’s like: “yeaaaa bruh les’go to tha pub ‘n’ shieet,” and I’m like: “okay… I guess?” Then, just like that, we’ve teleported to the Sleeping Giant Inn.
So, again, I ask: “can anybody please tell me what the hell is up with this mod?” I keep asking this question because I am absolutely dumbfounded as to what this mod is trying to accomplish. It adds a bunch of overleveled enemies with far too much health, yet I am granted the power of constant health regeneration just out of the blue? If this mod is trying to achieve a more fast-paced and adrenaline-filled combat experience, it falls flat on its non-existent ass, because there was no pace required, and the adrenaline was absent because my health kept regenerating for no apparent reason. On the other hand, if this mod was created with the intent of giving the player the feeling of being a true Dovahkiin in that it grants them greater powers fit only for the Chosen One, it also fails miserably, because that’s not what I was looking for, dipshit!
“I recommend Spartan level.” I’ll show you Spartan, spaz. Down the hole you go, along with this pile of vomit! Perhaps I can play this game without nonsensical spawn rates and other such bullsh—yeah, no. That’s not going to happen, is it?
Attempt #3: Skypiss
I’m all burnt out. There will no more ‘rimming for me any time soon, and I’m not talking about the filthy kind – did you not see the apostrophe?
All digressions aside, unless I change my mind once again like the unbelievable dumbass I am, this game is dead to me. Fuck this game. I don’t want to see one more fucking one-hit-kill giant frostbite spider. I don’t want to see any more freezes on transitions between areas. I don’t want to see any more retarded floating sleeping NPCs. I don’t want to see another billion SMIM barrel lids being lifted as I loot another fucking bandit cave. I don’t want to see any more terrain seams from this game’s awful LOD in the distance. I don’t want to see any more trees and buildings popping into existence as I approach another pseudo-village, any more of the type of which I also don’t want to see.
And, in the event that any of the sightings above do happen to come to be, please, for the love of all that be holy, do not ever let me catch sight of the Creation Club again.
Res post scriptum gravis
Finally, as a disclaimer, I don’t actually think that the creators of Ultimate Deadly Encounters are disturbed, but I really do think the people over at the Googology Wiki are quite demented. Fucking meameamealokkapoowa…