Here’s a funny little rant I wrote on the 4th of July, 2012 at 11:09 PM (GMT+1) back when I was a little brat who decided to start a Tumblr. It concerns various issues I had with Terraria, which I honestly don’t know much about these days aside from the fact it’s still called Terraria, something I can’t quite say about Logitech – but I digress; on with the rant.
Terraria sucks big donkey dick!
This game is fucking shit, and I am going to list a bunch of reasons as to why this game sucks BIG, DONKEY, DICK!
- First of all, the game is too fucking small. The character is tiny, the blocks you mine are tiny, and everything else is too fucking fast! Those fucking “Eaters of Soul” are fast as fuck, and you better fucking hope those fucking bastards don’t let their zone spawn near your spawn!
- The enemies are overpowered in the beginning. It’s impossible to beat even a blue slime with the shitty sword you start off with, because that fucking retard of a child can’t SWING his sword at the enemy. Instead, IT fucking stabs the enemy with a tiny movement not even worthy of being called a “stab.”
- The game is too slow. You have absolutely no other choice but to wait the first nights out, and they are at least 15 minutes long. Who the fuck wants to sit around beating the living “braaaaaainnnnzzz” out of zombies all the fucking time? They drop gold, and what fucking use does that have in this game, anyway? These fucking random people that come up to you when you have built a house, and then they steal it, and finally, they say “Hey, what do you want to buy?” What kind of fucking bullshit is that? It’s, like, in the middle of NOWHERE we’re trading, and he wants money? What good does that do out here?!?!?!?!?
- The game has no tutorial. This is good in certain games, but this game is one of those games that need one. Seriously, there isn’t even an instruction manual. Instead, you have to go look for information on the internet, when, in reality, you should be able to just look it up in a manual (.pdf file, for instance) , or by putting a tutorial in the game. But no! You get that fucking bastart motherfucker with a random name that spawns with you for no apparent reason! He steals your home, too! So, now you have to make TWO fucking houses, just because that fucking idiot stole your house, and took the potential trader’s spot. Fuck him. Remove him. I wish those “Eaters of Souls” rip his dick and balls off and shove them down his throat!
- The nights are too long. I stated this before, and I will state it again: THE FUCKING NIGHTS ARE TOO FUCKING LONG! Seriously, there is nothing to do when it’s nighttime! You can’t see shit, and the torches are U-S-E-L-E-S-S-! Not to mention these fucking enemies, but that’s not the point.
- The worlds suck. Yes, the worlds suck. There is nothing interesting about them. It’s just a bunch of poorly generated “caves” and “tunnels”, with a bunch of vines everywhere. Seriously, is this in a jungle? No! It’s a forest, wood, or whatever! It’s not a jungle, whatever it is!
- The game costs money. It shouldn’t. It should’ve been free. Why? Because the game is fucking shit, that’s why! So, ye’ knoe whot? I be not paein’ fo’ tha’ game!
- The game is never updated. Seriously. It never gets updates. It’s updated, like, every four months. I’m not even kidding. If the game is so good, then what the fuck made the developers so retarded, they don’t put out updates more often? A good game gets updated often. This game doesn’t get updates very often, hence it sucks, and vice-fuckin’-versa!
- It’s a dissappointing game. It doesn’t live up to what people say about it. I’ve seen people with max health and mana, all those fancy weapons and spells, and awesome structures. However, this doesn’t fucking mean the game doesn’t suck cock. No. The game DOES INDEED suck cock, and I will stand by that fact as long as this game is still on the fucking internet!