I’ll show you a [word] blade and mount it up your ass!

In the title, replace [word] with “fucking”; even I have standards. 

After finally finishing up a bunch of shit to be done in “real life” [wtf is that], I decided to play Mount and Blade for the weekend. I figured it wouldn’t be a bad idea, and it wasn’t for the most part. However, several issues certainly made me occasionally, e.g. right now, jump out of my fucking chair with frustration, and I decided to write this post for no other reason than to calm my nerves. Samrt idae, rihgt? This really is just a collection of points I noted down in a hurry during playing, not a review of the game; the game has been out for ages, so why would I bother writing a fucking review now?

1: Inability to make own choices

So, from what I’ve gathered, this game is an open world where you can be whatever you want to be, such as a neutral trader or an aggressive warlord. However, some choices aren’t free to be made by the player. By this, I specifically mean not being able to get involved in faction battles on the field while being neutral. While this doesn’t seem like a major issue, I sure as fuck would appreciate being able to make my own choices instead of having one option that says “Don’t get involved”. Why even have the option there? Why not just make it a “click-to-continue” screen? I’m assuming this game’s making had programmers involved? I assume there are other instances of this, but that’s the flagship instance I could come up with.

2: Controls

It’s probably not a surprise that I’d bring this up, but the controls in this game are repugnant; how many fucking times do I have to click for my fatass character to swing his damn sword and not cancel the attack midway? What also pisses me off, is that crossbows can’t be reloaded while walking around, which took a long time to get used to; in the beginning, it was impossible for me to shoot properly, because I couldn’t for the life of me understand how reloading worked. I get that there’s a certain factor of concentration to be taken into account during reloading, but that doesn’t mean “stop fucking reloading because I just tapped the S-key” makes a particularly large amount of sense. Sometimes, I feel like backing up while reloading. Thanks a lot, shithead.

3: Let’s go, my underlings! …. hello?

There are two parts to this point: The first part is the fact that I don’t have anyone with me while walking around in villages, forts or cities, even while being under attack by the world’s most random assassins. Seriously, fuck everybody in this game world! WHY WON’T ANYONE HELP ME?

The second part is that, during riots while collecting taxes in villages, I noticed I was only accompanied by three other absolutely useless asswipes that died within twenty seconds of fighting untrained villagers. Oh, and we were equipped with sticks. Here’s a question: WHO THE FUCK DECIDED THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA? If you absolutely want me to beat the shit out of villagers with sticks, bring more people that are less retarded than the three nutjobs I was partied with. To top things off, the villagers had rocks and scimitars. Go fuck yourself, whoever implemented this. If I want to shoot and molest villagers, I can do that! I don’t want to be ordered around by some random in-game angel on my shoulder constantly spouting “IT’S WRONG TO KILL PEOPLE FOR MONEY!”

By the way, when you set me up against random enemies in villages or towns, DON’T FUCKING SPAWN ME IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET WHERE I’LL BE PEPPERED WITH SPEARS, BOLTS AND THE LIKE!


You know what’s worse than getting buttraped by 25 steppe bandits? Two troops of 25 steppe bandits. You know what’s worse than fighting all at once in one troop? Fighting all at once despite the two troops being split up. I had quite the retarded ass-slapping just moments ago. The story goes as follows:

Two troops of 25 steppe bandits and a lesser one of about 13-ish were chasing me. Of course, due to my being laden with shit in my inventory and absolutely fucking horribly slow party members, I was caught up with. I figured the troop of 25 that caught up with me wouldn’t be too much of an issue to take on, after which I could proceed with taking out the other two troops; it would have been a victory with major losses, but a victory nonetheless. However, the other troop of 25 bandits was close enough to unexpectedly join the battle, setting me up against 50 enemies versus the foreconceived 25. I decided to fight the 50 enemies with my 49 guys, some of which were absolute newbies.

Obviously, I died. I was left with around 24 available troopers versus the enemy’s 36-ish. I decided to pay off the fee the steppe bandits offered me. Of course, that was 2800 denars down the drain, because the two other troops were still after me, offering me the same fucking fee I had already paid. Not only that, but the bandits I had just paid off joined the fight when I entered battle with the other troop, leaving me, once again, dead. After that, I had around 14 guys left. Oh, and I was told by dumbass “Bitch McCuntface” Matheld that I was being a coward for fleeing from battle. Go fuck yourself, bitch; if you want to get yourself raped, by all fucking means go for it.

So, there I was, having to surrender because this game is fucking horseshit. After surrendering, I was almost caught up with AGAIN, but the pussyfag dicksucker bandifags were scared off by some other Jarl-Khan-Boyar-group-thing before they got to me. I rate this game: “Fuck this game and fuck its systems.” Now I have to rebuild my troop because I’m always the only one escaping imprisonment by the enemy, thus always leaving my old guys behind. Such wonderful game design.