Dear diary, November is an asshole… And Civilization V, too!

… it’s always cold and stuff,
and I never understood it as a whole
why life’s gotta be so tough… 
 

Yeah, that was great. I’d make for a great poet, except I wouldn’t. Anyway, here’s for another post on this pointless blog which nobody ever follows, followed nor will follow, and also not the verb “follow” in a grammatical tense unknown to humankind. I am therefore obligated to post this post for no reason other than for my own personal achievement, which is nothing short of “posting lots of posts”.

Lately, I’ve been uploading videos again. It’s weird. Really, it is! ‘cuz you know what? They’re the first videos in a month-and-a-half or so. That’s why it feels so awkward, just like the word “awkward”. The game I’m playing is Civilization V: Gods and Kings. Yup. That game everybody plays nowadays… wait, that’s GTA V. Whoops. LOL, I confuse the two, except I’m just trying really hard to be funny… haha. Anyway, Civilization V. Or Civilization 5. Or Civ 5. Or Civ V. Or CiV… Or C5….. or CV…. Curriculum Vitae 5… Yeah… The game is okay, I guess. It has lots of potential, and I suppose it’dn’t be a stretch to call it a good game, although I get a twinge in my heart every time I say that. However, that’s not to say it’s perfect. In fact, I say there are a fuck-ton of seriously annoying tidbits in it that PISS ME OFF. “Piss me off” being an overstatement, because it doesn’t really affect me that badly, but it is stupidly unnecessary.

So, without further ado, let’s make a rant post about…

CIVILIZATION V: GODS & KINGS

ISSUE #1: MAINTENANCE

It’s a minor complaint for something that does indeed exist in the real world, but hear me out. I spent an entire two hours reading through and thinking about a certain rant post about Civilization V. If you have limited available bandwidth or something, don’t click the link, because it’s a really, really long post. I’m posting about this because I find it overly difficult to even play on “Prince” difficulty, which is this game’s way of saying “normal” difficulty. I recently started playing a game at Prince difficulty, and I just quit after half-an-hour of playing it. The reason? I didn’t die. I didn’t have problems with the enemy. I didn’t have any problems with the wonders or construction of buildings. No, it’s something I like to call a “two-headed troll”, or, in this case, “two sides of the same coin”. Quite literally so, actually. While it’s good that the game retains some of the realism, it’s not cool when the game deliberately punishes you for trying to play strategically. I mean, who the fuck thought paying a whole God damn coin per road hex? It’s a fucking road, and I can hardly believe it costs more to maintain roads than schools, libraries and universities, if I believe any of it at all! So, I made the road half-way, and thought “Well, okay. Maybe if I finish it, the trade route bonus will be higher than the cost-per-turn of the whole road?” That didn’t happen. In fact, I was at -11 gold per turn after 30 minutes. I might just suck, but that doesn’t make any sense, because I have easily been at 100 gold per turn just one notch down the difficulty scale, and I have definitely not come anywhere close to -11 gold per turn! Either I’m being really unlucky, but the cost of many buildings and THE FUCKING ROADS are ridiculous. The roads maintenance cost the game would be much better without. If anything, make it something like one gold per FIVE FUCKING ROAD HEXES.

ISSUE #2: RETARDED A.I.

RGG: Hey, look! I’m at war! Maybe I’ll finally get to see some good ol’ war action in this game.

Harald: LOL ya lets kil deze gais!11!!1!1one!!!111!!eleven!!!!!11!!11!2

Dido: nooo u cnat dues dis gaez im a grill adn stuph adn i has titz adn stuhf adn stoophf

RGG: Tough luck, bitch. You’re going down! Me and Harald here are…

Harald: lol no r u fukign hai??+!?+1+ sche ses sche has t1its no+0b!1§!!”1! fukign hel im maekign a piss treetie w/hurr!1!!11!!21″!§!”1!!!!one

Dido: LOLOLOLOL rood gai ur so dum lets kik his as hrold

Harald: k- *deklaers wurr ohn rood gae adn denuncis hem 2 teh wurld*

RGG: … lolwut?

In short: THE FUCKING A.I. HATES YOU IN THIS GAME AND WANTS YOU DEAD AND IS DELIBERATELY MAKING YOUR GAMING EXPERIENCE IN THIS ACTUALLY TOTALLY NOT GAME REALLY BAD AND MAKES YOU WANT TO KILL YOURSELF UNTIL YOU TELL YOURSELF “NO! THIS ISN’T RIGHT! I MUST MAKE A RANT POST ON WORDPRESS!” AND THEN YOU MAKE THIS POST WHICH I TOTALLY AMN’T! 

This game bores me to no end with the “lol war” –> “lol no war lololo”-A.I.. I’M TRYING TO HAVE FUN HERE, GUYS! It’s bad enough that the maintenance is pissing me off, and now you guys do, too? What the fuck must a rude guy do around here to have a fun time in a strategy game for once? I swear, this game is the epiphany of horribly programmed A.I.. Guy who makes CiV A.I.. Hey, guy. Guy, you there? HEY GuY! GO MAKE A PHONE CALL TO CRYTEK OR SOMETHING! Okay, fine, Gooooooooogle! After using your search engine, apparently Crysis’ A.I. isn’t so good, either. Shut up. Just fix the A.I. Firaxis… FireAxis… Furraxxis… Yeah, THAT name.

ISSUE #3: THE GAME IS TOO REPETITIVE

RGG@0 turns: w00t nice resources! I’m going to have a good time with this map!

RGG@50 turns: Hah! I’m making some good cash here! Good thing I’m playing on easy difficulty!

RGG@200 turns: Hey, another empire! I’m so happy. I don’t like this tiny island I’m on, anymore.

RGG@500 turns: I shouldn’t have set it to marathon. I was hoping for war, but this retarded A.I. makes me go solo and thus everybody hates ONLY ME to no end!

RGG@1000 turns: Seriously, what the fuck? This is just the same shit over and over and over and over again! Better start a new game on marathon or epic!

As you can see, the only legitimately “fun” part is when I’m first starting a new game and up until I’ve reached something like 200 turns. After that, the game just goes downhill with boring peace requests and trades and TOO MUCH MONEY BECAUSE ONCE I START ON PRINCE DIFFICULTY I CAN’T EVEN GAIN MONEY BECAUSE OF THE FUCKING ROADS AND THERE’S NO FUCKING MIDDLE-GROUND-DIFFICULTY!

ISSUE #4: EXPANSION PACKS

… €30 for a few extra empires and some new features? What? Why wasn’t “Brave New World” included in the “Golden Edition” or whatever? Oh, I get it! Your game sucks so horribly, Fireaxis, that you can only earn money on other people’s hopes on getting a supergood hotfix for the stupid shit in the last overpriced expansion that still sucked! You’re leeching money off of people’s hopes that this game will one day not suck giant, 120-inch blue whale dicks! Again, it’s not that bad, but for fuck’s sake, stop leeching money like this! Note that I have only glanced over the expansion pack, and I’m really disappointed about the price-to-content ratio there, but even if it was good, that doesn’t mean I’m not pissed that I didn’t get it in the golden edition. It’s not worth 30 fucking euros.

 

There are probably more issues that piss me off, but right now, I’m good. Don’t buy this game if you’re expecting replay-value. Just don’t.

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